I was consumed and dedicated to find the answer.

I remember saying to one of my therapist’s that, I was willing to walk through the shadow of the valley of death in order to get to the bottom of what was drowning my soul. I knew I was strong but couldn’t help the way I felt. I spent 7 years in therapy trying to learn why I felt the way I did. I, too, believed that I wasn’t enough, didn’t deserve accolades, had no right, underneath it all, to expect better – all while trying to prove how funny I was, and talented, and smart, and worthy. Your drawings have soothed, inspired, and created a spark in me on many an occasion. But, until that happens, I have no choice but to be kind and gentle to myself and not push myself to do more than I’m capable of doing. So, I’m in the process of getting the level of medication to a steady level and the side effects to subside. However, there is none if you need antibiotics for an infection or a plaster-cast to help heal a broken bone. There should be no stigma or discrimination about medication to help with mental and emotional ill-health. And soon after taking the first dose, my mind was magically quiet, and no longer was I being mean to myself. And these little pills will help, honestly.’ So, eventually, I worked out I needed help before I ended up in a state similar to how I was all that time ago when my Doctor told me, ‘You’ve nearly broken your mind. I know what has led to this state of affairs, and it’s not just one thing. Waking up in the night with my mind racing and catastrophising wasn’t good. I had tried so hard to help myself lift my mood and dispel the dark thoughts. So now, I have to give myself permission to ease off and give the meds a chance to work. However, I did reach out for help last week. It probably contributed to my two intense and lengthy bouts of anxiety and depression, eventually leading to me leaving teaching around 9 or 10 years ago.Īfter years of EMDR therapy and reflecting on the past, I thought I’d learned my lesson about not letting things get worse and worse and refusing to admit to myself I’m struggling with my mood and thoughts.

But, unfortunately, it’s something I’ve done for as long as I can remember. I suspect I’ve been trying too hard for too long to keep up a mask of contentedness, and all is fine with me when interacting with others. So, I am doing my best to trust that my emotions and thoughts will improve and I won’t feel so darned sleepy and tired all the time. I’m often told that trust is a more positive word than hope when used in conjunction with wanting things to improve.

Then, there will be enough time to continue exploring other things when I’m back on form. I just need to create for the sheer enjoyment of creating. As I’m working in a sketchbook, there is no pressure on me for things to be perfect. The familiarity and repetitive nature of the motifs and patterns are soothing. It comes naturally, and so is something I can cope with now. This style of illustration is familiar to me. Some have hand lettering in them, while others do not. I’m rapidly filling up an A5 sketchbook with drawings like this.

Dark thoughts drawing